I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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