He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I would fuck him just for his dog
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
