So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
