There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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