I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
