is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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