So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
