Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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