drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
it's like iHOP with fire
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
