were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
