listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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