Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
