I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
