He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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