i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
