I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
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