Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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