my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
