fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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