I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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