Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
