What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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