i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
