my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
