She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
