How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
