When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
