I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
