I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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