Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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