i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Randomize
