As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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