i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
