I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize