who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
COCAINE IS GR8
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
