I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
