don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
