On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
