When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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