I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
