Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
