textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
