You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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