He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
