i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
