I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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