im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
