Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just threw up on my dentist
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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