Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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