I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Randomize
