Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
