Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my being single is dangerous.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You ruined the universe
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
