cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
