i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
