I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
