your parents love me but you hate me
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i want to swaddle you in tequila
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
