Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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