Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
